There are 4 things you can do to hurt or kill your relationship …
1. Criticism: this is not related to specific actions, a complaint: “You left your clothes on the floor, pick them up”, instead criticism attacks the character. “You always leave your clothes on the floor, you never pick them up, you just don’t care, you are an uncaring, heartless ….” It is these attacks that are the harbinger of doom in our relationships. The “You should … ; You always …. ; You never …” are the phrases which put people on the defensive, engage stonewalling. I suggest you avoid these and rather talk about the issue – specific. Engage in balanced feedback.
2. Contempt: this is a step up from criticism. Here the intention is to insult and you end up psychologically abusing your partner. Whether name calling, harsh teasing, mocking, eye rolling, sneering or hostile venomous comments this can cripple a relationship. “You are so self centred, you only care about yourself <with an eye roll and holier-than-though sneer>”
3. Being defensive: It is natural to feel and get defensive when attacked. “Well, you don’t always pick up your clothing either. You always leave your wet towel on the side of the bath.” This type of defensive escalation is aimed at distraction them from their attack or complaint and placing the blame on them.
4. Stonewalling: when we get overwhelmed or flooded (by adrenaline or other body chemicals) we can shut down. This is often the response to nagging or feeling “attacked”. We then tend to ignore all communication when we shut down. This does not bode well for a relationship.
The combination of these are the death-knell of your relationship.
By actively counteracting these, being kind and supportive you can grow your relationships.
Engage in balanced feedback (see article). Demonstrate to your partner you see them – give positive and constructive feedback. Taking into account the whole person, rather than only focussing on the negative.
Richard specialises in communication skills coaching. Self Esteem training and changing the communication culture in businesses.
