4 Relationship Poisons

There are 4 things you can do to hurt or kill your relationship …
1. Criticism: this is not related to specific actions, a complaint: “You left your clothes on the floor, pick them up”, instead criticism attacks the character. “You always leave your clothes on the floor, you never pick them up, you just don’t care, you are an uncaring, heartless ….” It is these attacks that are the harbinger of doom in our relationships. The “You should … ; You always …. ; You never …” are the phrases which put people on the defensive, engage stonewalling. I suggest you avoid these and rather talk about the issue – specific. Engage in balanced feedback.

2. Contempt: this is a step up from criticism. Here the intention is to insult and you end up psychologically abusing your partner. Whether name calling, harsh teasing, mocking, eye rolling, sneering or hostile venomous comments this can cripple a relationship. “You are so self centred, you only care about yourself <with an eye roll and holier-than-though sneer>”

3. Being defensive: It is natural to feel and get defensive when attacked. “Well, you don’t always pick up your clothing either. You always leave your wet towel on the side of the bath.” This type of defensive escalation is aimed at distraction them from their attack or complaint and placing the blame on them.

4. Stonewalling: when we get overwhelmed or flooded (by adrenaline or other body chemicals) we can shut down. This is often the response to nagging or feeling “attacked”. We then tend to ignore all communication when we shut down. This does not bode well for a  relationship.

The combination of these are the death-knell of your relationship.
By actively counteracting these, being kind and supportive you can grow your relationships.

Engage in balanced feedback (see article). Demonstrate to your partner you see them  – give positive and constructive feedback. Taking into account the whole person, rather than only focussing on the negative.

Richard specialises in communication skills coaching. Self Esteem training and changing the communication culture in businesses.

Awareness

It is important to be aware of the impact we have ..

We judge others by their action, we judge ourselves by our Intent.

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

www.oneclearmessage.com

Friendship matters …

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I have read some amazing books …

When it comes to relationships I highly recommend “The seven principles for making Marriage work” by John Gottman.

Years of research has made this book valuable and insightful.

Being friends and learning how to communicate congruently … is essential.

Lucky in life?

Do you want to be lucky?

Professor Richard Wiseman in his book “The Luck Factor: The Scientific Study of the Lucky Mind” (2003).  talks about four principles to help increase your good fortune:

Principle One: Maximise Chance Opportunities. Lucky people are skilled at creating, noticing and acting upon chance opportunities. They do this through networking, choosing a relaxed attitude to life and by being open to new experiences.They get out of the house, off  the couch and tend to be more sociable.

Principle Two: Listening to Hunches.  Lucky people make better decisions by listening to their intuition and gut feelings. they also tend to take steps to actively boost their intuitive abilities through meditating and clearing their mind of other thoughts.

Principle Three: Expect Good Fortune Lucky people expect the future to be full of good things. These expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies, they help these people persist in the face of failure shaping their interactions with others in a positive way.

Principle Four: Turn Bad Luck to Good Luck. The people who employ various psychological techniques to cope with, and find the silver lining of the ill fortune that comes their way have substantially more luck – they. For example, they spontaneously imagine how things could have been worse, do not dwell on the ill fortune, and take control of see opportunities everywhere.

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

Negativity kills

Your, and other’s, negativity kills your relationships. After the Korean war Dr Mayer studied the impact of the psychological treatment by the guards.

They did not treat the prisoners particularly badly.

They encouraged them to Inform on each other. Neither the informant or the informed were punished. The informer was rewarded with cigarettes or some other item. This led to suspicion and a lack of trust between comrades.

They encouraged Self Criticism … What are the bad things you have done .. and the good you have not?It encouraged them to look at themselves, and others, with disdain.

They broke loyalty between the men and their leaders until they would no longer take orders from their superiors.

They withheld Emotional Support from home. But, if a bill or bad news arrived in the mail, they were given the letter immediately. No love letters.

Do you do this in your relationships? The lack of support, loyalty and criticism led the soldiers to literally lie down and die. How does the way you talk and treat your partner (gossiping behind their back, ignoring them) kill your relationship?

In order to thrive we need support, loyalty, clear caring communication and self acknowledgement – own what you, and they, do well.

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

Real Self Esteem in our relationships

Self Esteem is how we honestly feel about ourselves. How we treat ourselves and others.

when we love ourselves, nurture ourselves and this flows out to others in the good way in which we treat them, we are also willing to allow others to love us….

There is a reason it is called Self Esteem, rather than other esteem. Don’t wait for your partner to love you before you’ll love yourself. It is Your job to love and nurture yourself FIRST!

It really is the love, caring and nurturing from us to ourselves. This then expresses itself in how we treat others.

It does not matter how other see us … it matters how we honestly feel about ourselves …

We can become more aware of  our Self Esteem by paying attention to how we allow others to treat us …

For more go to http://www.emotionalpictures.co.za/self-esteem.aspx for a more in-depth look at self esteem.
Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

The law of giving

We’ve heard that it is better to give than receive. This is an over simplification. It is also about giving the other the space to give too.  When we give in a relationship, whether business or personal, we invest more and our level of connection and attraction increases.  On of the easiest examples of this is in the parent child relationship. The more the parent gives, the more invested they are in the relationship. The parent gives more in the relationship, time, energy, effort. The child receives more and, is thus, less invested.

In romantic relationships the one who gives more, becomes invested more.  The one who receives more, and gives less, is less invested. In order to create deeper connection and investment in the relationship it is essential to also allow the other to give to you. If you do everything for them you will be invested and they will be far less invested. If you, however, give them the space and time to give to you, you will allow them to invest more in your relationship.

Why would you invest in a relationship where you are not valued? Allow them the value of being able to contribute. Whether as a partner, parent or friend. It allows them to feel and own their strength.

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

Kisses as communication

The way we kiss and touch communicates volumes.

It says a lot about who we are, how we interact with the world as well as how we feel.

A kiss on the cheek is one thing, an intimate kiss in a relationship is a whole different animal.

A kiss can be an intimate conversation between two people seeking understanding, connection and to share deeper feelings and knowledge of each other. A mix of slow, sensual exploration and passion. The smell, taste, texture and raw emotion of touch and connection. The intimate interplay between senses and heart.

There are as many types of kisses as there are situations. Be aware of this and choose the right kiss for the right situation.

Enjoy it and remember … a kiss is communication … What do you want to say?

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking, interpersonal relationships and Self-esteem training

How you start, is how you finish

The way to get there has the qualities of being there… In relationships, as in business, how you start matters.

From the first contact, the call to the meeting, the interactions – it all matters.  If you are congruent, real and honest things go smoother. If you want a partnership with someone who will treat you right, you need to demonstrate that behaviour yourself from the first meeting – treat them right!  We decide within the first 2 min if they have a chance … whether in sales or dating… So do they! The pre-dating calls, sms, emails before the date all have impact. Plus, of course,  post date, did they call?

How can you expect things to turn out differently if nothing changes?

You can change your contribution. You can set the stage for a wonderful interaction with another human being. Bring out he caring, loving integral side you desire by acting with those qualities.

So act now, set the stage … be the example you want to see in the world!

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training

Find your “Quiet Excitement”

When you wake up you have a choice… If getting up is a “mission” and you’re not smiling, make another choice!

Search each day for that “Quiet Excitement” of fulfilment and achievement – then get out of bed…

It is amazing how people shine when we acknowledge their positives and appreciate who they are…  To those that have, more shall be given ( ie value that you have). To those that have not (ie who don’t appreciate) even that they have shall be taken away. Just remember to turn it around… How do you feel when constantly criticised? vs when you are acknowledged for what you do and who you are?

That sense of “Quiet Excitement” is the feeling that all is right in the world and a sense of a positive future achieved … now!

Richard Riche does motivational key note addresses for corporate functions and schools. He specialises in Presentation Skills, Communication training, Motivational speaking and Self-esteem training